(the title of this blog was changed from "Presently..." the word "desperado" just came to me suddenly n i decided to use it as the title instead.......)

Actually, this morining I wanted to complain n indulge in self-pity for this msg.. but the damn computer keep hanging n causing me problems, causing my previous tries to complete a msg to fail… so now that my anger has slightly resided, I am lazy and dun feel like talking abt these unhappy things… but still they are part n parcel of my life that I can avoid and ignore… though I seriously hope that these things can quickly get out of my life…
Still, I want to talk abt certain things that made my life miserable these few days.. Friday morning mel caught/noticed me with “freaky small eyes” (according to her)… yeh… she was kinda shocked or just curious and surprised…. But anyway.. I didn’t sort of reply her honestly, or mayb I didn’t really answer her in the first place.. I promised to tell her honestly.. from this blog.. I tend to hide my unhappiness or fears and don’t want ppl to find out abt it.. yet I don’t like to lie to my friends, esp her n aileen.. to them, I am totally honest…..
So actually the truth is on wed night or in fact thurs early moring (abt 2am or so ba..).. I sort have some mental breakdown… so bsides the point tt I slp very late.. n hardly had any rest, there’s this other factor….
Mental breakdown… ok.. fine.. lets just b straight-forward….i cried terribly…Y?
Ermm... yah I finally realized how confused, how lost n what kind of terrible state I am in at present… there r many things abt it.. .i’ve been keeping them so much in my heart n refusing to face the reality n face these probs.. I wasn’t brave enough ba…. Confused…. Over many things… my messy n many characters I cant identify my real identity.. confused abt my status.. abt my relationships(hey nothing of the BGR stuff.. its plainly realationships…friendship n my relationship with my family members), abt my academics… lost.. I dun noe..confused over how I shld continue/start revising.. what I shld do… where shld I start.. where m I… what to do….
I have constant worries n nightmares… worrying that I cant make it for the promos… it freaked me out… It reminds me of the many things in the past n happen in this similar way.. thinking abt it… fearing that this n that will happen n what shld I do as a result…n refusing to face it n accept it… AND then they come true… its freaking scary.. whenever I think of it.. think of events n worry tt I cant do well or anything of sort.. or xpect I aint going to do well n they always come true…
Tt’s y I fear for the promos… I’ve thought abt it n fear abt it…so does tt mean tt it wld happen? This is really scary… I noe I will tell myself nt to think abt it… but isn’t this similar to the incidents in e past? n with these thoughts… I am freaking out…
Yah den u will tell me… “den wad the heck r u doing now? Go study?”
This lead to my second confusion… my mind or in fact myself is so broken into several parts.. until I dunno which is the real me…
Part of me keep telling me to fall into temptations, to give up to my unconsciousness… n to have fun n relax.. n stuff like tt….part of me wants to work hard, wants to push me.. wants me to wake up n stuff…
Then my character splits…my behaviour splits my reactions split too… I talk to certain ppl in a specific way… I talk to another kind of ppl in a different way.. n I behave totally differently.. n this come so naturally that I cant control my behaviour n feelings.. like for eg..(seriously for example) I talk to mel, behave in front of her in certain way.. mayb serious or anything else.. talk to aileen n behave in front of her in a rather different way… mayb a little relaxed…a little crazy… during lessons I also behave differently.. during Chinese is one.. during maths/bio is another.. it’s a mess….

Like for example.. during Chinese n chem lessons I tend to talk a lot of crap n make a hell lot of nonsense.. but these after I thought abt them.. weren’t conscious acts… in fact everything I’ve done or said hasn’t gone through my brain before coming out of my mind… yah….just like yesterday during chem. lesson..i personally realized how scary I am.. the things I’ve said… so scary.. n it happens so many times.. I was like wad happened to me so scary… the xcuse is tt.. I was too tired…

Anyway… so its some sort like this…confused mental state…
Tt night.. I was trying to do my maths.. finish my aj paper… I miraculously managed to bypass dozing off on my desk n was in quite gd spirits n still have energy.. so I insist on completing tt paper… until my mum came down.. yell at me.. command me…threaten me… my unconscious confused mental state over me… n all these stuff that were kept in the deepest position in my heart/ brain all of the sudden rushed to take over… all the anger, unhappiness… everything I have constantly hidden frm my appearance, frm my friends n family.. basically hidden in myself n kept to myself just come all at one go…. All the things that were forcefully kept under……..
So I collapsed… a little tired n cant take it anymore….

I don’t think I will ever manage to continue my previous post abt friends… but still I want to mention that I am glad n feel very blessed to have friends in jj n blessed to have mel n aileen as gd/close friends.. may God bless them too.. this is the first time I am saying such things..

(anyway) Still right now.. I have come to a conclusion… right now.. I only want to concentrate on my studies, on my promos n avoid thinking abt anything else…

So tts it… gd luck to everyone for promos… have a nice day.. Jiayou!

~ walk through life being you♥