♥ Be.You.Tiful is you ♥

Sunday, July 23, 2006

agitated

on fri i juz realised how scary i look when i dont smile or pull up a sulking face.. hmm.. do i look so angry? no wonder no one dares to get near me..

anyway.. i apologise for tt

i'm sorry.. its either cos i always look tt way when i dont smile or i m really angry..

i m nt very sure.. but i think both applies..

angry.. cos

1)everyday i rush out of house to sch.. feeling tired, exhausted n agitated.. everyday i feel so rugged n lack of slp.. sometimes i rush out of house, rushing to lock the gate n got hurt by the closing door.. n my day starts like tt..

2) i guess y last week i felt extremely cos my rash juz gt worse everyday.. sometimes it gets a bit traumatizing.. n sometimes it juz makes me hate myself..

tt's wad tt make me feel down all day long..

i promise nxt week i will try to smile more.. n be more friendly..

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sometimes i doubt our relationship.. i feel tt widening gap bet us..

i often wonder wad caused tt gap..

i noe sometimes i appear as an outing person... someone who is free with words, loud n expressive...

but i noe.. there is this introvert trying to hide herself under some cover of sorts..

for many many years i remain as a loner.. i m nt gd at words.. i m afraid of many things.. sometimes i juz feel agitated cos i so much wanted to be in control..

many times i want to think before i do or say anything.. n many tt times i failed to do so..

i hate tt failure to do so..

i m fine being a loner i think..

but most of the times.. i dont want to be..

i noe maybe i will be able to hear myself more clearly if i was alone.. but sometimes i juz dont want to c so clearly..

i m a slow poke... i admit.. i tried to change tt.. still....

other than in sch... there is nearly no more chance to hang out with anybody..

i dont go shopping, i dont go orchard... i nearly dont go out at all..

i dont have much 'street knowledge'..

n i think it's probably y u find it hard to talk to me.. cos there's nthing to talk abt..

i no longer seek to look under the appearance of others or try to guess wad u r thinking..

i dont noe how much u want to be alone.. or shld i leave u alone.. or how much u want me to go away..

sometimes i yearn to be part of ur life.. but sometimes i dont want to disturb u..

life is fullof contradiction n irony..

i dont think i understand n noe u as much as i thought i knew in the past...

neither do i think u noe me as much as i hope u knew..

i doubt how much u treat me as a friend... but i'd never doubt how much i treat u as one..

i understand e many reasons behind it..

but i never seemed to qn them..

i dunno how much concern u have for me..

tt i wld never ask..

izzit so impt to make it so clearcut?

izzit so impt to find out anything?

i dunno.. n i dont want to answer..

dun think u will ever read this.. n i dunno how much i want u to read this.. i m nt even sure whether i want to post this..

n i m nt sure whether i want ppl to read this...

but i think idont really care..

if anybody read this.. i hope u will keep silent abt it..

i juz want a space to express my thoughts.. cos i couldnt tt verbally..

i hope u treat me as a friend.. n tt it will last even after leave sch..

i wish u the very best..

as sincerely as i always do.

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my bro n sis always uses the com whenever they r at home.. n bro plays games on it all day long.. my sis i dun seek to find out..

everytime i wait for them nt be at home so tt i can use the com.. to blog or anything.. n den my mum will nag at me for using the com n nt doing my work.. n my dad will keep telling me tt the bills r getting higher...

den i use it when my sis's at home.. everytime i switch on the com.. she wants to use.. it's so frustrating.. sometimes even before i could reach the switch, she's b4 me..

i tried to do tt to her too..

but den it seems i bullying her..

n i feel frustrated...

sometimes i feel frustrated cos i feel tt no one around me understand how bad i feel with those rash.. n i'm angry tt my sis keep offering me to eat stuff tt i cant eat.. being so insensitive.. n yet she tells me tt she doesnt believe my cause for tt rash.. but i cannt accept tt..

i keep silent... forget abt tt..

we all have attitude n moments of unhappiness... n moments tt we cannt control ourselves..

many times i think tt my sis always complain to me n vent her anger on me.. n i feel frustrated often... but i keep quiet.. i m her only way to loose any unhappiness..

i dunno if i do tt to her too.. probably i think.. but i dont want to question tt existence..

sometimes i hate to cry.. to let tears flow..

but i find times tt i had to let it out.. at night esp.. silently..

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there r nt many things tt shld affect my life now.. n i noe wad r things tt i shld throw aside n wad i shld concentrate on...

we gt back our progress report 3 already..

thought i improved but i ended dropping.. so sian..

i hope for the better...

all the syllabus r ending soon.. after tt is revision.. all is now dependent on ourselves already..

i'm afraid...

but i hope to walk brave..

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my dad bought me a new bag.. (thanks :))

my mum n i made e choice..

its fine n nice..

it has less function..

nt tt i need them..

my sis quite like it too...

so do i..

it serves it function too..

n it doesnt look like the previous one..

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gtg.. this post's pretty long..

i hope i will move on will more vigour n will start my revision..

i wish myself the best

n so to all of u..

thnks for e space..

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~ walk through life being you♥

Sunday, July 16, 2006

rmb

hey.. before u close this window or refuse to read on.. juz give me a few moments..

for nearly 2 years, u have always closed the door shut against me.. kept ur thoughts, feelings n worries to urself.. bottling up all of ur emotions n handling things alone.. many times i saw u feeling down.. but i have never dig further to find out more.. i thought u wld tell me if u want to.. i m always ready to listen, but thinking tt it's better if i dont poke in further n leave u to e amt of privacy u wanted, i kept silent.. i have never requested to find out n know more..

until u broke down eventually.. i felt desperate.. i dunno wad to do, wad to say.. cos i have no idea y n wad happened n how i shld console u.. sorry tt i'm fierce n i'm nt good at words, but i cannot keep quiet anymore...

i noe u r independent, u r strong, but u r nt superhuman.. u shld nt do this alone.. walk done the pathway alone, carrying all the burden urself n trying to remain cheerful all the time.. it's too heavy..

stop holding on to it..let loose the bottle cap.. even if u dont want to talk abt it.. juz share ur emotions.. dont hide or force them down.. u r nt alone.. so dont do it alone..

but still, u've gt to be strong, i noe its a heavy responsibility n u r getting tired.. but u have to move on.. stand up with new strength n fight against the odds.. even if u find urself lacking the energy n strength, rmb, u've gt us behind u.. be as brave as before.. if not braver..

i always had faith in u tt u can do it n u r a marvellous person.. so u shld have faith in urself too.. have confidence..

i know i shouldnt be talking abt all of these.. since u have recovered.. but i need to let u know..

u've once told me a phrase(tt i wont repeat).. n i m going to say this to u.. i m nt there for nthing.. believe in urself.. n believe me..

i may nt have the ability to help in many areas.. but i will always be there to listen, to lend u my shoulder or give u a hug..

i wish u all the best for the coming exams.. n like u said.. it's the last lap.. let us all perservere together n work towards our goal..

wadever roadblocks u face.. conquer them as u'd always do..

best wishes.

urs sincerely,

frm one who will be by ur side.

~ walk through life being you♥

study study n study..
these days..
tuts, assignments n remedials n more hmk..
life is getting so boring..
i feel lazy to tell u wad have happened in the last 7 days..
but still i want to mention a few things..
on wed, i think it is the last time i will be going for shooting.. i have torn away my name n cleared all stuff tt belongs to me personally.. lest the j1s.. oh wadever..
thurs.. after sch, the class played captain's ball together.. it's been a long while.. aileen elaborated already, so i dont intend to elaborate any further.. but i juz seriously enjoyed the game.. hope we could do it once in a while..
oh btw.. yesterday was the makan session at suki sushi @ lot 1.. ate a lot.. i sort of regrettin of going.. i ate so much seafood when i shouldn't.. now i have rashes all over.. how terrible..
anyway... i left out fri.. i want to talk abt tt on another post.. so tt's all for now..

~ walk through life being you♥

Friday, July 14, 2006

promised to get some photos uploaded..
here r some..
it is taking a long time to load..

this one's outside cdan's range.. they told me to act as if i got shot..hee

electronic range, cdans intershoot finals

cdan's range jingyi

linus

haven't gt the close-up photos of myself yet.. they r with lydia..

these r pretty old photos..

here's cuthbert

in sch's range, early march i think.. during e trials..

this is our coach!

shooting club 2005-06!

this one's special.. 05s5 gals!

yup... tt's it...

i will talk abt other things nxt time..

~ walk through life being you♥

Friday, July 07, 2006

results n stepping down

yup, we r slowly getting back all our results for mid-year.. normal.. other than tt i've gt nthing else to say, rather than buck up..though i didnt fail anything so far..
my life as a shooter in jjc has ended..
straight after wednesday.. or izzit straight after i finish shooting my last ever series at national intersch?
i would say it is the latter.. but my heart have nt accept tt fully..
it was too quick n abrupt..
the experience was memorable..
but to b honest.. i m clear abt e moments tt i enjoy during my time in shooting n those tt i really suffered, physically or mentally..
i will try to rmb only e happy occasions..
wadever e case is, i miss shooting..
my gun's no longer mine, locker's no longer mine..at e very moment i finish shooting my last final shot.. i havent gd a chance to retrieve back my stuff.. i will.. soon enough b4 nxt week when the j1s come charging to throw all my stuff away..
there r several things i want to talk abt, abt shooting.. abt wed's national.. but i m thinking abt it.. i've spent e entire of wed, missing lessons, at safra yishun.. n i remain doubtful whether it's worthwhile..
but see..
these r no longer impt..
it has all ended.
but anyway, i remain proud of the year ones.. n sincerely the blessings i will give. of them, i c talent, c commitment n potential.. i believe tt they can perform better than us.. at least in most of them i c tt..
i really want to tell them something..
but i believe it was made pretty clear to me tt shooting has ended.. n it shld end.. n i shld no longer have space in my mind for it.. so let me juz voice it out here..
year ones, when u r in j1, choose ur priority now.. if u can c urself giving up shooting in future at j2, forget abt shooting at all, u'll waste ur efforts, if u believe u can work hard for both, give urself full commitment to shooting(also studying too of course) now, give urself chance to reach great heights now, b4 reachin j2 when u cant spent enough time for improvement.. explore, u can, but make sure whenever u explore, test it out.. find urself in j1..
when u come to j2, get urself settled.. stay at form.. n perservere.
anyone can shoot, only how well..
rmb to grab ur basics well.. n learn to control ur mind.. it is a very powerful weapon.. mental skills is the hardes to learn for most.
one more thing.. at yr 1, compete u can for the team positions.. work hard individually u can too.. but never forget.. ur all r a team.. eventually at certain events, the final score depends on every single person in e team..
yup tt's abt it..
shooting has ended for me for now.. n i noe it shld really stop, cos studies is really e most tiring, worrying n impt thing right now.. there is no 2nd chance..
i hope i can start cracking up b4 it's too late..
oh btw, on wed, e gals went for lunch at northpt, which is nearby.. stuff rather ex.. n nxt sat e j2s plus some lucky j1s will have e traditional makan session at lot 1.. anyway, i hope e yr1s noe how lucky they r this yr.. to b able to start as early as jan or march.. unlike last yr when we start only in july..
oh the jj fun shoot is coming up soon.. with regards to e inter-house games.. e lucky j1s will get to organise it, unlike the j2s, who never gt so much opportunities..
ok ok, stop talking abt shooting n stop complaing.
anyway, fri we had a early dismissal cos all teachers have to attend some excelfest i think n nxt mon sch will start at 10.. cos of world cup..
mrs chua going on course.. her son will take over.. gd luck to us..
there's lot of work i need to do, plus a lot of catching up...
i need to get back on track, quickly too..
for now, juz to to bed n slp.. i've wasted e entire day..
oh.. actually wanted to upload a whole string of photographs related to shooting, sch life n/or other things.. but now it seems kinda late.. guess i'll prob do tt nxt time le..
so..
bye for now.. sweet dreams, gdnight :)

~ walk through life being you♥

Monday, July 03, 2006

heyhey..gt no time to post... so let me juz highlight a few things...
firstly..
WE will be getting our class t tml!!!!!! yippee!!!
secondly..
wed is the national interschool shooting comp..
meaning, it will be the last time i will be shooting..
i hope for the best.. n hope tt all three of us will be able to perform..
i also wish the others the best n gd luck for the last match we going for!!
after tt we can ask mr oh for th treat! heehee..
lastly..
i've gt plenty of work nt done yet!!!!!
yup. tt's ab it.. gtg le..
cya next time.. hope everything goes well!:D

~ walk through life being you♥