(the title of this blog was changed from "Presently..." the word "desperado" just came to me suddenly n i decided to use it as the title instead.......)

Actually, this morining I wanted to complain n indulge in self-pity for this msg.. but the damn computer keep hanging n causing me problems, causing my previous tries to complete a msg to fail… so now that my anger has slightly resided, I am lazy and dun feel like talking abt these unhappy things… but still they are part n parcel of my life that I can avoid and ignore… though I seriously hope that these things can quickly get out of my life…
Still, I want to talk abt certain things that made my life miserable these few days.. Friday morning mel caught/noticed me with “freaky small eyes” (according to her)… yeh… she was kinda shocked or just curious and surprised…. But anyway.. I didn’t sort of reply her honestly, or mayb I didn’t really answer her in the first place.. I promised to tell her honestly.. from this blog.. I tend to hide my unhappiness or fears and don’t want ppl to find out abt it.. yet I don’t like to lie to my friends, esp her n aileen.. to them, I am totally honest…..
So actually the truth is on wed night or in fact thurs early moring (abt 2am or so ba..).. I sort have some mental breakdown… so bsides the point tt I slp very late.. n hardly had any rest, there’s this other factor….
Mental breakdown… ok.. fine.. lets just b straight-forward….i cried terribly…Y?
Ermm... yah I finally realized how confused, how lost n what kind of terrible state I am in at present… there r many things abt it.. .i’ve been keeping them so much in my heart n refusing to face the reality n face these probs.. I wasn’t brave enough ba…. Confused…. Over many things… my messy n many characters I cant identify my real identity.. confused abt my status.. abt my relationships(hey nothing of the BGR stuff.. its plainly realationships…friendship n my relationship with my family members), abt my academics… lost.. I dun noe..confused over how I shld continue/start revising.. what I shld do… where shld I start.. where m I… what to do….
I have constant worries n nightmares… worrying that I cant make it for the promos… it freaked me out… It reminds me of the many things in the past n happen in this similar way.. thinking abt it… fearing that this n that will happen n what shld I do as a result…n refusing to face it n accept it… AND then they come true… its freaking scary.. whenever I think of it.. think of events n worry tt I cant do well or anything of sort.. or xpect I aint going to do well n they always come true…
Tt’s y I fear for the promos… I’ve thought abt it n fear abt it…so does tt mean tt it wld happen? This is really scary… I noe I will tell myself nt to think abt it… but isn’t this similar to the incidents in e past? n with these thoughts… I am freaking out…
Yah den u will tell me… “den wad the heck r u doing now? Go study?”
This lead to my second confusion… my mind or in fact myself is so broken into several parts.. until I dunno which is the real me…
Part of me keep telling me to fall into temptations, to give up to my unconsciousness… n to have fun n relax.. n stuff like tt….part of me wants to work hard, wants to push me.. wants me to wake up n stuff…
Then my character splits…my behaviour splits my reactions split too… I talk to certain ppl in a specific way… I talk to another kind of ppl in a different way.. n I behave totally differently.. n this come so naturally that I cant control my behaviour n feelings.. like for eg..(seriously for example) I talk to mel, behave in front of her in certain way.. mayb serious or anything else.. talk to aileen n behave in front of her in a rather different way… mayb a little relaxed…a little crazy… during lessons I also behave differently.. during Chinese is one.. during maths/bio is another.. it’s a mess….

Like for example.. during Chinese n chem lessons I tend to talk a lot of crap n make a hell lot of nonsense.. but these after I thought abt them.. weren’t conscious acts… in fact everything I’ve done or said hasn’t gone through my brain before coming out of my mind… yah….just like yesterday during chem. lesson..i personally realized how scary I am.. the things I’ve said… so scary.. n it happens so many times.. I was like wad happened to me so scary… the xcuse is tt.. I was too tired…

Anyway… so its some sort like this…confused mental state…
Tt night.. I was trying to do my maths.. finish my aj paper… I miraculously managed to bypass dozing off on my desk n was in quite gd spirits n still have energy.. so I insist on completing tt paper… until my mum came down.. yell at me.. command me…threaten me… my unconscious confused mental state over me… n all these stuff that were kept in the deepest position in my heart/ brain all of the sudden rushed to take over… all the anger, unhappiness… everything I have constantly hidden frm my appearance, frm my friends n family.. basically hidden in myself n kept to myself just come all at one go…. All the things that were forcefully kept under……..
So I collapsed… a little tired n cant take it anymore….

I don’t think I will ever manage to continue my previous post abt friends… but still I want to mention that I am glad n feel very blessed to have friends in jj n blessed to have mel n aileen as gd/close friends.. may God bless them too.. this is the first time I am saying such things..

(anyway) Still right now.. I have come to a conclusion… right now.. I only want to concentrate on my studies, on my promos n avoid thinking abt anything else…

So tts it… gd luck to everyone for promos… have a nice day.. Jiayou!

~ walk through life being you♥


sorry to leave the previous post hanging in the air.. promise i will continue the next time.. right now.. i am suffocating n choking over all the incompleted work n starting to feel the tension of promos....STRESSSS!!! haven start workinh hard for it yet?!!!! alamak.. hectic lah hectic... yusu..yusu...ni wan le...

BUT.. gt to move on right? DUN give up yet!!! i m telling myself tt... hope 'i' listen to it..
today's exhausting.. not much time left for any work...oh no... revision leh?????

SIGH..

~ walk through life being you♥


WAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! wo yao fa feng le... i am going crazy...ARGHHHHHHHHH!! save me, someone save me!!!! i cant take it anymore...

~ walk through life being you♥


oh b4 i go for lunch, i want to highlight this issue first.. b4 i forget..
these days, there is this person from my class who has been getting on my nerves lately... he/she is continuously agitating me n i seriously starting to feel or am feeling irritated by his/her words, behaviour, attitude n everything else.. i dont want to hurt the person by scolding or telling him/her off or ignoring him/her.. so i just keeping trying to accomodate him/her.. n keep my frustation down... so i hope he/she can zi dong yi dian n stop do stuff to irritate the others... ok lunchtime le.. bye cya later...

~ walk through life being you♥


i just realised that my blog titles are getting more n more boring each day... but never mind lah... its just a title the content of the msg is den the crux rite.. alrite, i admit.. i am finding excuse for my lack of creativity.. haha
anyway, before i continue to talk abt the recent events, i have gt one thing i will like to talk abt:
FRIENDS...
wad e? u may say.. such a boring topic, but really, it is a very impt thing i will like to mention. the fact tt this topic always affect us, no matter indirectly or directly, in a good or bad way, it really affects us... so here i really want to talk abt.. mayb i shld let u noe abt the past me, the present me, my change n my ever-changing social circle, or mayb social status...be it the way u want to phrase it... anyway, i guess i shld start with the past me first:
in the past(as in back at secondary school), i never really gt a close friend, or someone u can tag along or hang out with.. i was this super out-casted gal or may anti-social in another way bah..... but in any sense, i am just always out of place n feeling lonely.. the reason? i will touch on this in a moment.. in the past it never occurred to me abt this.. but anyway, i was just a study freak in the past, study study n study.. only bcame a little naughty n misbehaved in the later years in ctss.. but the little can b really very little to others bahh... but truly speaking, i was very much confined in my own world, never seeking to venture out of my small world.. or mayb i couldnt or didnt have a chance to do so...
so the reasons...
pt 1:i was a nasty, hot-tempered fellow.. i was violent n harsh.. people were afraid to get any inch closer to me(guys gals equivalent)... understandable..
pt 2:i was n i guess still am confined and very much restricted by my parents..so guess.. peeps.. pls try to understand n try nt to laugh when u hear tt i seriously havent gone to or have no idea this or tt place is.. in singapore.. ok fine no life... yah..i had enough of tt.. but i still have to continue to live with it.. no choice. i am under 21, still living under(note: its under.nt with) my parents n relying on them to feed me.. n had to obey theur rules of the game... ok so spastic... sorry.. i really wasnt trying to be mean, so trying to get u to symphatise with me.. i just want to let u noe abt it..n tts it..
guess u wont b very surprised after reading abt my past.. i dun noe how u all will feel ir comment after reading this... but still i feel the sudden urge to talk abt my very much social life...
so tts the past.. ok i gtg for lunch now... will continue in a moment.. n seriously.. i will still continue.. my urge to continue talking abt this hasnt change..

~ walk through life being you♥


yes.. september holidays are over.. but i dun think it has ever started.. hey sorry...really sorry.. i cant do blogging for quite some time.. now that shooting intensive training is offically over, i gt to rush like mad to complete all my undone tutorials, maths, bio, chem.. all everything else.. a lot of things to do.. really didnt have anytime to do any work or catch up with anything bcos of training n many other things... sigh, juz like everybody noe n says.. promo's coming n everybody's like mugging n working very hard, unlike me.. its really time i shld wake up, buck up n start cracking, working doubly, triply or 1 million times harder than wad i am doing now.. the least i have to do is to catch up n pick up wad i have been losing out in... sigh... still gt lots of maths tuts waiting for me to do.. i really think i shld no longer hide n nt face the reality... i keep putting all impt stuff at the very back of my mind... i know its really time for me to realise the need to do something now... promos really coming... but i am not moving.. sigh HEY!!! WAKE UP YUSU!!! WAKE UP!!!
ok lol...
so all i can do now is nt go into any details of wad have happened so far.. no time.. so basically.. my dad gt a new tv... yup hols over.. sch's starting recently watched infernal affairs 1,3 very complicated n mind toturing haha.. good movie.. but must really think.. ok its kinda late.. gotta rush my tuts now.. until next time..
think it will b long b4 the next one though...

~ walk through life being you♥


hey sorry no time to blog today.. so i can only touch n go...
i m rushing to type finish my eom n tml sep hols start n lessons start.. TML: a last minute change of plans...8-10am bio lesson... 10.15 to dunno when shooting noticeboard..meanwhile some ppl go collect shooting jerseys, n if gt time we will have some activity.. ok tt's for now gtg le.. bye bye..until next time!

~ walk through life being you♥


very tired dun really feel like blogging, but i gt lots to say n tell..abt mon(the huge rush incident n 2h of tennis, abt wed(teachers' day celebration n trip back to jj), abt fri(chem, shooting, pw) n many other stuff but really very exhausted.. tml i'll try.. sigh so till next time.. oh yah b4 i go, juz let u noe some things..next week is sep hols n i have lessons n shooting intensive training throughout the whole week including sat at cdans (transporting all weapons n bags-pellets, targets, jackets, pants, shoes everything all the gear to cdans next tues) so today juz sign off with a note k....
sweet dreams!! lol.

~ walk through life being you♥