Sunday, July 23, 2006
agitated
on fri i juz realised how scary i look when i dont smile or pull up a sulking face.. hmm.. do i look so angry? no wonder no one dares to get near me..
anyway.. i apologise for tt
i'm sorry.. its either cos i always look tt way when i dont smile or i m really angry..
i m nt very sure.. but i think both applies..
angry.. cos
1)everyday i rush out of house to sch.. feeling tired, exhausted n agitated.. everyday i feel so rugged n lack of slp.. sometimes i rush out of house, rushing to lock the gate n got hurt by the closing door.. n my day starts like tt..
2) i guess y last week i felt extremely cos my rash juz gt worse everyday.. sometimes it gets a bit traumatizing.. n sometimes it juz makes me hate myself..
tt's wad tt make me feel down all day long..
i promise nxt week i will try to smile more.. n be more friendly..
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sometimes i doubt our relationship.. i feel tt widening gap bet us..
i often wonder wad caused tt gap..
i noe sometimes i appear as an outing person... someone who is free with words, loud n expressive...
but i noe.. there is this introvert trying to hide herself under some cover of sorts..
for many many years i remain as a loner.. i m nt gd at words.. i m afraid of many things.. sometimes i juz feel agitated cos i so much wanted to be in control..
many times i want to think before i do or say anything.. n many tt times i failed to do so..
i hate tt failure to do so..
i m fine being a loner i think..
but most of the times.. i dont want to be..
i noe maybe i will be able to hear myself more clearly if i was alone.. but sometimes i juz dont want to c so clearly..
i m a slow poke... i admit.. i tried to change tt.. still....
other than in sch... there is nearly no more chance to hang out with anybody..
i dont go shopping, i dont go orchard... i nearly dont go out at all..
i dont have much 'street knowledge'..
n i think it's probably y u find it hard to talk to me.. cos there's nthing to talk abt..
i no longer seek to look under the appearance of others or try to guess wad u r thinking..
i dont noe how much u want to be alone.. or shld i leave u alone.. or how much u want me to go away..
sometimes i yearn to be part of ur life.. but sometimes i dont want to disturb u..
life is fullof contradiction n irony..
i dont think i understand n noe u as much as i thought i knew in the past...
neither do i think u noe me as much as i hope u knew..
i doubt how much u treat me as a friend... but i'd never doubt how much i treat u as one..
i understand e many reasons behind it..
but i never seemed to qn them..
i dunno how much concern u have for me..
tt i wld never ask..
izzit so impt to make it so clearcut?
izzit so impt to find out anything?
i dunno.. n i dont want to answer..
dun think u will ever read this.. n i dunno how much i want u to read this.. i m nt even sure whether i want to post this..
n i m nt sure whether i want ppl to read this...
but i think idont really care..
if anybody read this.. i hope u will keep silent abt it..
i juz want a space to express my thoughts.. cos i couldnt tt verbally..
i hope u treat me as a friend.. n tt it will last even after leave sch..
i wish u the very best..
as sincerely as i always do.
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my bro n sis always uses the com whenever they r at home.. n bro plays games on it all day long.. my sis i dun seek to find out..
everytime i wait for them nt be at home so tt i can use the com.. to blog or anything.. n den my mum will nag at me for using the com n nt doing my work.. n my dad will keep telling me tt the bills r getting higher...
den i use it when my sis's at home.. everytime i switch on the com.. she wants to use.. it's so frustrating.. sometimes even before i could reach the switch, she's b4 me..
i tried to do tt to her too..
but den it seems i bullying her..
n i feel frustrated...
sometimes i feel frustrated cos i feel tt no one around me understand how bad i feel with those rash.. n i'm angry tt my sis keep offering me to eat stuff tt i cant eat.. being so insensitive.. n yet she tells me tt she doesnt believe my cause for tt rash.. but i cannt accept tt..
i keep silent... forget abt tt..
we all have attitude n moments of unhappiness... n moments tt we cannt control ourselves..
many times i think tt my sis always complain to me n vent her anger on me.. n i feel frustrated often... but i keep quiet.. i m her only way to loose any unhappiness..
i dunno if i do tt to her too.. probably i think.. but i dont want to question tt existence..
sometimes i hate to cry.. to let tears flow..
but i find times tt i had to let it out.. at night esp.. silently..
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there r nt many things tt shld affect my life now.. n i noe wad r things tt i shld throw aside n wad i shld concentrate on...
we gt back our progress report 3 already..
thought i improved but i ended dropping.. so sian..
i hope for the better...
all the syllabus r ending soon.. after tt is revision.. all is now dependent on ourselves already..
i'm afraid...
but i hope to walk brave..
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my dad bought me a new bag.. (thanks :))
my mum n i made e choice..
its fine n nice..
it has less function..
nt tt i need them..
my sis quite like it too...
so do i..
it serves it function too..
n it doesnt look like the previous one..
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gtg.. this post's pretty long..
i hope i will move on will more vigour n will start my revision..
i wish myself the best
n so to all of u..
thnks for e space..
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~ walk through life being you♥